September 17, 2011.

“Mr. Brimfeld are you sure you want us to file this estate tax return. After all you’re alive, but the law is now pretty clear that you were dead for tax purposes”, the accountant asked. “Go ahead and file the return, and see what the IRS says about it.” “Okay, but we’ll have to disclose that you are alive now and our basis for our position.” the accountant responded. “That’s fine” said Brimfeld. “If we lose, the IRS could impose a gift tax of $900,000 Million”, the accountant said. “Nothing ventured, nothing gained”, replied Brimfeld.

November 21, 2011

Brian Peterson looked at the return in front of him and then he looked at the death certificate. It was signed by a doctor in HERGOTIA, and it said that Mr. Brimfeld died of a heart attack brought on by a chemical overdose. He also noted that the man had apparently resurrected from the dead as noted on the return. He picked up the phone and called the Chief of the Estate and Gift Tax Section of the IRS. “I’ve got a really weird estate tax return in front of me. It says the guy is dead but he’s not dead. Its disclosed right here on the return”.

The Chief Counsel asked “did you see what was inserted in the budget bill of 2010?” “Yeah, but what does it mean”, replied Brian. “Death is to be determined by a local physician and cannot be questioned thereafter, even if the person recovers”. Its very clear. We have to accept the death certificate”, said the Chief Counsel.

December 15, 2011

Sam Brimfeld’s executor received an estate tax closing letter. “They gave up without even a fight”, said Sam.

January 1, 2012. Sam was driving home from a New Year’s Eve party when a drunk driver careened across the road and hit Sam head on. Sam did not survive.

________

Editor’s Note. In reality, Section 7701 has not been changed to add a definition of “death”. “Death” is still a matter of some debate. With three notable historical exceptions (Lazurus, Jesus, and the child Peter raised from the dead), the dead do not come back to life. There have been cases of near death that have been misdiagnosed, such as a soldier who was returned home from the war and the undertaker as he was about to embalm the body detected a very slight pulse. The man recovered. Would in that case the soldier have been dead for estate tax purposes? Its an interesting question which is why we went through this crazy story.

December 19, 2010.

“AN UNTIMELY DEATH IN HERGOTIA” read the NEWSY NEWS headline. The story went on to describe the untimely death of Mr. Shadewell.

The tourism minister came running into the Prime Minister’s office with a print out of the Newsy News article about Sam Shadewell. “Look at this and to make matters worse, we have been receiving cancellations all day”. The Prime Minister thought for a second and replied, “leak a story to this reporter that our autopsy results show that Mr. Shadewell actually died of alcohol poisoning from ingesting wine before the procedure.”

December 20, 2010.

‘BOOZE BLAMED FOR DEATH IN HERGOTIA” was the headline in NEWSY NEWS

and the story went on to describe Mr. Shadewell’s autopsy findings from an anonymous source.

December 20, 2010.

The United States State Department issued a travel warning to HERGOTIA relating to people seeking to avoid U.S. estate taxes. It said that deaths from HERGOTIA might not be honored if the person turned up alive thereafter and that the procedure involved extreme risk of death or bodily harm.

December 20, 2010.

Boris Blakovic was a seasoned investigator for Grand Caymans Life Insurance Company. He knew a scam when he saw one and this situation stunk to high heavens. He intereviewed Ms. Shadewell about her husband’s death and questioned her about why he had taken out the insurance policy and why wasn’t this procedure mentioned in the application. She noted that there was no such question on the application and that they had been completely true about what they were doing there in HERGOTIA, and that the policy had been procured through an agent of the Government of HERGOTIA. The Minister of Finance of HERGOTIA sat in on the meeting and noted that if the life insurance company stiffed Mrs. Shadewell, that they might as well fold up their tents in HERGOTIA. Blackovic emailed the company offices. This was a huge hit and not one that they wanted to pay willingly. After much reflection, they denied the claim and told their agents in HERGOTIA that they were no longer accepting policies from there.

December 21, 2010.

Mrs. Shadewell was fit to be tied. “Now they won’t pay the cotton picking insurance” she screamed. “You said this procedure was safe, you leaked private information about my husband that was untrue, and you procured an insurance policy that didn’t pay!”, she yelled. “I see your anger, but suing won’t do you any good because we have sovereign immunity”. “We’re sorry, but we will pay you $10 Million to be silent, and your husband did avoid estate taxes which is what he wanted.” She thought for a moment, $10 Million was a lot of money, but in the grand scheme of things was chicken feed. “You can take your money and stuff it”.

Mrs. Shadewell called the reporter from NEWSY NEWS, “Have I got a story for you!” she told him. She met with him and related everything on the condition of anonymity. He reported that Mr. Shadewell had not consumed alcohol for 24 hours prior to the procedure and was in perfect health. He noted that the insurance company had denied coverage and that the family was considering its legal options.

December 22, 2010.

NOT DRUNK! read the headline of NEWSY NEWS.

The tourism minster ran in to the Prime Minister’s office again. This is terrible, more cancellations. This is a big disaster I think. The Prime Minister smiled. “We knew it wouldn’t last. Let’s shut this thing down.”

December 17, 2010.

“That body, Mr. Shadewell is beginning to show signs of decay”, noted the staffer. “It has a foul smell”. “Don’t worry about it, some of these bodies pass gas and even lose their bowels before they wake up, that’s probably what you smell”, said another worker. And so Sam was left for another day.

December 18, 2010.

Sam had not woken up. The doctors came in and checked his pulse and heart and respiration. No pulse, no respiration, no heartbeat. He was still dead and the body was clearly showing signs of decay. The man was REALLY dead. The doctors, opened up his chest and tried cardiac massage. Nothing happened. “Oh boy, we lost one, good thing they don’t permit lawsuits here in HERGOTIA.” the doctor noted dryly.

“Mrs. Shadewell, I’m afraid we have bad news for you. You’re husband never came out of his death. He’s dead well, he’s dead forever”, the police sergent noted. Shock hit her face, then tears. Then her emotions turned angry, “I’m going to sue this entire country”, she screamed. “Mrs. Shadewell, no need to get angry. Remember, your husband took out a $500,000,000 life insurance policy and you don’t want to be claiming fraud and jeopardize that do you?” added the policy chief.

December 18, 2010.

A reporter for NEWSY NEWS newspaper was nosing around the island seeking stories about people dying to save taxes. He thought it would be a great story about the rich and powerful, scamming the country out of estate taxes. It became an even better story when a policeman tipped him off about Sam Shadewell.

December 18, 2010.

Biff Brimfeld was lucky. He woke up. His date of death was December 13, 2010. He was worth $2 Billion from his tennis business holdings, the ten time grand slam winner was truly set for life and now his kids were set for life. The trusts he created were in the $1.8 Billion range and he had $200 Million left to spend how he wanted to. Death was good to Biff. Other than a little stiffness in his joints, he was fine.

The Chief Counsel of the IRS looked over the final budget bill that was passed and thought, “oh no, this can’t be”. He called Sammy Slingshot from the Joint Committee on Taxation. “Sammy, did you see this amendment to Section 7701, regarding death?” asked the Counsel. “Sure, it looked innocuous to me, after all it just codifies the law as I understand it which is that when a doctor says you’re dead, you’re dead”, answered Slingshot. “This could create a huge loophole” and he went on to describe the HERGOTIA voodoo thing. “Wow, I didn’t know”, said Slingshot. “Well at least you can argue that the law wasn’t that on people dying before the date the law was enacted”, added Slingshot. “Yeah, but people are planning to die in the next few days that are quite rich we understand, HERGOTIA is a veritable Cannes, this week, there are so many rich people there dying. Let’s hope one doesn’t wake up”, the Counsel added.

December 15, 2010.

Sam appeared for his voodoo death. A guy dressed up like a skeleton pranced around him spouting gibberish and blew some powder into his face and everything went black. He was taken to the hospital and pronounced dead at 4:15 p.m. from a heart attack. His body was shipped to a special refrigeration room until he woke up.

This minister and Mr. Mitchell had a conference call. “Mr. Mitchell, we desperately seek your advice about a rather delicate matter. He went on to describe their program. “So, what you’re telling me is that they are clinically dead, but wake up two days later”, asked Mitchell. “Yes, our doctors will certify truthfully that they are clinically dead on the date of death. We just don’t schedule an autopsy because of the risk that they might rebound in two days”, said the Minister. “Well heck son, these good Christians in Congress ain’t gonna fight a good old fashioned resurrection. There is a budget reconciliation bill going through Congress right now, I’ll get Congressman Pockets to put a rider on the bill which amends 26 U.S.C. Section 7701 of the Internal Revenue Code to read as follows: “Death, solely for the purposes of this Title, shall be determined by a licensed physician at the location where the deceased person dies and cannot thereafter be questioned even if the physician made an error or the person recovers later.” After hanging up, he sent an email to Congressman Pockets to add this to the bill. The chief legislative aide to Congressman Pockets looked at the language. “Seems rather straight-forward to me”, said the aide. “If the guy is certified as dead, he’s dead”. He sent the language to the Budget Office for scoring and it received a budget score of zero since no one believed that it would impact the budget at all or if it did, it would be so minuscule that it would not be worth calculating. So, it was inserted into the budget resolution and signed into law by the President. On December 14, 2010.